Crazy Shit My Husband Says

My husband is one of those parents.

the source of all anxiety

He was wholly unfamiliar with babies until we had Emilia, so he’s still got that new parent scent. And it’s very sweet and endearing.  Except when it’s not.  I mean, no, it still is, but, well, he just says a lot of crazy shit.  And here are ten of his best.

10. Don’t take the metro. Robberies are up and you might get shot in the face.

9. You can’t go grocery shopping while you’re pregnant.  It’s too dangerous!

8. Do not let the baby near magnets.  I just read a story about a baby who swallowed magnets and died.

7. Does her head look uneven to you? I just read the scariest article in the New Yorker.

6. Yes, you can choke on a cheerio!!

5. Oh my god, you let her fall? How could you let her fall???

4. Oh my god, I let her fall! How could I let her fall?!

3. Guess what???  She said, uh oh, poop, and then she looked at me, and then she pooped!! It was like she was really communicating with me.

2. Text me as soon as you get there, and again when you leave.  And then also when you’re home again.

1. If that godforsaken cat lays even one of his paws on my baby girl, I will flush him down the toilet!


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About Mamalicious

Writer, storyteller and mother of two living in Washington, DC. Science enthusiast and pop culture vulture. Ally. Feminist. Bitch with the best intentions. Contributor to
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